When is lunch with a STUD not a hot date?

Trailing spouse


When it’s a Spouse Trailing Under Duress
I’ve just had lunch with a STUD. No, this was not a hot date, but a perfectly correct meeting with a Spouse Trailing Under Duress aka …STUD. This is an affectionately humerous moniker given in Brussels to male partners following the careers of their female counterparts.

Jim is blissfully married to the beautiful and successful Angela and has 2 wonderful children. They moved to Brussels from the US 9 months ago with Angela’s job as a senior VP with an international fmcg company. Jim and Angela were a two career family, so considerable discussion was needed before Jim finally decided to put his own career as a Sales Director in a B2B construction company on hold.

Decisions
It was apparently not as agonising a process as I had imagined. ” There really was no duress! The opportunity, not just for Angela, but the whole family, was too great to turn down. The construction industry was badly hit last year in the US and although I still had my job, the company had been forced to make many lay offs. I wasn’t sure how much longer things could go on. Career wise Angela’s sector is buoyant and is pretty recession proof. The girls will get a wonderful education at a top international school. We are here for 3 years and intend to maximise the opportunity.

Challenges
But what about his own career and professional challenges? ” What I missed most initially, was the structure of a working environment and the basic interaction and collaboration with colleagues. I struggled with not being able to define myself by my profession, thinking I would be perceived negatively – but I got over that pretty quickly. I’m setting up my own internet based business , so I just say that if anyone really pushes and I’m also taking an online MBA. So combined with being a “House Dad ” I’m pretty busy.

I asked Jim if he was afraid that those 3 years might impact his career long-term? “ I don’t think anyone can tell any more what will happen in 3 years. The economies are too uncertain. I intend to go back with additional skills and hopefully an understanding of international business. I think the experience is changing me and I may decide to do something completely different. I think people imagine we guys play golf and poker all day! But it’s not true. It’s also about how you sell it when you get back. I’ve read your blogs! ”

Aaah thank you! Someone reads!

Changes
I have trailed as a spouse, not once, but twice. Both occasions involved significant decisions impacting every part of my life and were not taken lightly. This was many years ago, long before global and mobility had morphed into biz speak and were simply two disconnected words in the dictionary. Facebook, email, Twitter, Skype and texts were just twinkles in a cyber geek’s eye and those were the days when I would almost knock the postman off his moped in my rush to get my letters! Remember those? Paper!

Back then it was regrettably mainly women who trailed with a multitude of organisations set up to support their assimilation. Now in dual income households where both partners have career parity and happily there are more women occupying senior roles, that is changing, but no less challenging. It’s becoming yet another interesting career transition.

Spouses and onboarding
In executive search when placing anyone internationally, I always hope that strong support arrangements are in hand for any trailing partners. Today, this can be either the man or the woman. The working partner tends to slip into an existing business structure and support network, which is quite often the same one they left behind in the previous country. All they do is go into a different office very day. This is not to diminish their challenges, but they are rarely completely isolated. So our mantra is that if the trailing spouse is happy – everyone is happy.

Each move will be unique and the success will depend on the destination country and culture, combined with the backgrounds and personalities not just of the working partner, but the whole family. I have seen many executives ask to be repatriated or even leave their companies altogether, because their partners or perhaps kids could not make the transition into an adopted country. Many marraiges end in divorce. Many organisations will provide either relocation or cross cultural support for the trailing spouse, because all research indicates that effective onboarding of the employee can be negatively impacted by an unhappy trailing partner. Some companies also provide allowances for language lessons, re-training and even coaching. Most countries have expat support organisations and very often national communities overseas have groups supporting incoming families.

Advice
What advice would Jim give to anyone in the same position? ” Consider it all from every angle. Financial, the kids, both careers, the shift in dynamics within relationships when one person who is used to working, stops, with the other one shouldering the burden exclusively. The whole family has to be committed and on board. It’s definitely not something to do if your partnership isn’t 100% sound. There are lots of challenges which you don’t have if you’d stayed at home and there is very limited network to call upon especially in the early stages. Otherwise – just go for it!”

In Brussels, the Belgian STUDS organisation is set up to deal with trailing male spouses trailing successfully under duress

13 thoughts on “When is lunch with a STUD not a hot date?

  1. Gwyn Teatro

    Many moons ago, I worked in the International Human Resources Department of a major bank. Our focus was International transfers and expatriate compensation. Much consideration was giving to the expatriate, little if any to the spouse.
    It makes so much more sense to consider the whole family structure and to provide as much, if not more focus on the trailing spouse.
    A really interesting post Dorothy.
    Each time I come to your blog, I learn. And that’s a very good thing. Thank you.

    Reply
    1. Dorothy Dalton

      Thanks Gwyn – yes the role of the trailing spouse is tough and they can feel lonely and isolated. This was especially true for men who at one time felt that it carried a negative perception – but happily that is changing now. Organisations are now also more aware of the need to relocate the whole family effectively, which certainly with my first international move was not the case!

      Reply
  2. Melissa

    My husband was a STUD (I like that name!) when I was a graduate student in Poland. (It wasn’t a study abroad program – we actually moved and I enrolled directly into the local university). I wonder if any research is being done on this phenomenon – the trailing spouse in an education context

    Reply
  3. Dorothy Dalton

    Hi Melissa – thanks for your comment -there is indeed quite a lot of research and activity on this topic -just Google Spouses Trailing Under Duress! Lots of interesting reading!

    Reply
  4. ToddWeissCFA

    I have never heard of that moniker and find the concept fascinating. I had a friend who did the same thing when his wife had a great opportunity in Switzerland. I think the simple question is one, does the decision make sense? and is everyone ready and willing to participate? It’s time to eliminate the cultural boundaries we set for ourselves. Is it really any different if the situation is reversed? I don’t think so. Great post. Loved it.

    Reply
    1. Dorothy Dalton

      Thanks Todd – with successful economies located in each corner of the world, a balancing of career opportunities within couples and a willingness to split childcare responsibilities, I’m sure we will see shift in the certain aspects of career management. It will lead to many exciting possibilities I’m sure.

      Reply
  5. Murali Murti

    Hi:

    I was a STUD once, when my spouse moved to Germany for three years. She’s in government, I (was) in the software / IT industry

    We took the decision that it would be good for both of us if we decided to risk the opportunity, so I resigned my earlier assignment and started hunting for a job in Germany.

    Luckily – I use that word because not everyone has such luck, especially in these trying times – I was able to find a job that not only fitted my skills but gave me a platform to advance in my profession.

    It worked out wonderfully well.

    Having said that, I don’t think it’s possible to become a STUD more than once without affecting your career prospects negatively. Too much shifting around for “personal” reasons, except maybe at a very young age, is still viewed askance by most organizations.

    Reply
    1. Dorothy Dalton

      Thanks Murali – glad to hear that you ahd such a positive experience. I agree as in any transition you have to factor in all considerations. Multiple moves will certainly require both strong motivation and explanation, whether acceptance of that for either male or femal trailing spouses is changing now, is hard to say.

      Reply
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